The Importance of Being Important

The Importance of Being Important

Even in these times of austerity, status symbols are as important as ever…

 

Me: “You’re looking a bit low down at your desk.”

 

My boss: “I know. I think the gas thing on my chair is faulty. It sinks down every time I move.”

 

Me: “Can it be fixed?”

 

My boss: “I don’t know. It’s not very comfortable anyway. There’s a metal bar that I can feel with the back of my legs. It makes my feet go numb.”

 

Me: “It sounds like you need a new chair then.”

 

My boss: “I’m not getting a new one, they’re too expensive.”

 

Me: “Well why don’t you get one like mine?”

 

My boss: “No no no, I couldn’t possibly have one like yours; I need a high back leather director’s chair.”

 

Me: “Why?”

 

My boss: “Because I’m a director.”

 

Me: “Yes, I know you are, but it’s important to be comfortable. This chair is fine.”

 

My boss: “People would think it was strange if I had a cheap little chair like yours.”

 

Me: “I don’t think they’d even think about it.”

 

My boss: “Look. I’m a director. Directors have director’s chairs to show who they are; end of conversation.”

 

Me: “OK”

 

I made no further comment as he sank down a further two inches before getting up and hobbling out of the office.

A Very Smart Phone

A Very Smart Phone

My boss sometimes sends coded messages to me using the encryption “app” on his new portable Enigma machine, or smartphone… 

 

His last phone had a similar scrambling feature but it was easier to decipher messages as it used the same number of letters that were originally entered; the cryptic messages from his new smartphone (fitted with a rather fetching leopard print case; so that he knows it’s his) pose a significantly more inscrutable challenge.

 

I have asked him if he really needs to send messages using the encryption “app”. He claims that it is simply the “predictive text” function which he says is very handy and saves a lot of time.

 

A typical example of an encoded message received:

“Trifle.” (that’s my code name I think) “Im going 2 b Katie.” (that must be his code name) “Pls phone brain at tortellini.” (A criminal mastermind working undercover at an Italian restaurant?) “Tell him our manoeuvring party 4 ths am will have 2b Carolina.” (Not entirely sure what this means, but something big is definitely going on) “Thnx” (I know that one).

 

I send a return message:

“Yes. Will do. What is his number?”

 

Message received:

“Its no access database” (great; mission impossible)

 

I reply:

“Well it’s going to be difficult to phone him in that case. What do you suggest?”

 

Message received:

“Trifle. Doughnut worry. Ill phone brain from good.” (I gather that my involvement in this dodgy mission is no longer required.)

 

When he returns to the office he is a little frosty with me; perhaps he feels that I know too much <gulp>.

Emotional Office Equipment

Emotional Office Equipment

Office equipment sometimes calls for sensitive treatment...

I kept getting a message popping up that says “Black cartridge is low”. I decided to read to it from my little book of motivational poetry.