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| Cold Comfort |
I received a phone call from a man who knew my name,
pronounced it correctly and knew my telephone number Q.E.D. This man clearly
knew a lot about me…
Cold Caller: “Hello, how are you today?”
Me: “Hello, I’m fine thank you.”
Cold Caller: “I’m calling about the road traffic accident
you’ve had.”
Me: “Road traffic accident? Me?”
Cold Caller: “Yes, you have apparently had a minor road
traffic accident within the past three years.”
I had absolutely no recollection of having had a road
accident, but then if it was in the past three years, I might have forgotten
about it.
I have been assured that last night at about 3.00am I said,
in a booming and authoritative voice: “Pointy screwdriver! You need a pointy
screwdriver!” I have no reason to doubt that I did indeed do this, it was
unquestionably a disturbing thing for me to do; but I really couldn’t remember
doing it.
I also cannot recall putting the car keys in the fridge
but I had them last and there they were, next to the huge unopened jar of
pickled gherkins (which incidentally will remain unopened until I have a
visitor with big enough hands who is prepared to try to open it).
So, given that memory is a fragile phenomenon, I was
intrigued and wanted to know more about my road accident.
Me: “Oh, I can’t really remember having a road accident,
but you said that it was a minor one?”
Cold Caller: “Yes it’s flagged up that you may have had a
minor road accident.”
Me: “So, if it was a minor accident – does that mean that
no one was hurt?”
Cold Caller: “A minor accident would mean that no one was
hurt. Can you confirm that you did have a minor traffic accident in the past
three years?”
Me: “Oh what a relief - no one was hurt. I can’t confirm
the accident because I can’t really remember. You’d have to give me some more
details. You say it happened in the past three years; could you be more
specific?”
Cold Caller: “Sorry, it just says that it may have
happened within the past three years.”
Me: “Hmm I see. Well where did it happen then?”
Cold Caller: “Sorry, it doesn’t give that information.”
Me: “Oh. Well what information does it give then?”
Cold Caller: “The database just gives your name, your
address, your telephone number and your date of birth.”
Me: “Nothing about the accident at all?”
Cold Caller: “Er, no. It just flags that you may have had
a minor road traffic accident within the past three years. But you’re saying that you
didn’t have one is that right?”
Me: “I’m really not sure… what would make it flag up that
I had?”
Cold Caller: “Erm, probably your date of birth. Err… it
would be statistically probable that you might have had a minor accident within
a three year period… based on your date of birth… but you haven’t have you?”
Me: “What’s that supposed to mean? Because of my age I’m
statistically more likely to have lapses of concentration and therefore likely have
a minor road accident within a three year period?”
Cold Caller: “I’m really sorry. I actually don’t think
you have had a road accident. There’s obviously an error on the database. I’ll
delete your details and make sure we don’t call you again. Sorry to have
troubled you. Goodbye.”
I was so relieved that he thought I hadn’t had an
accident after all. Now, where did I put my car keys?
