Wednesday, 29 January 2014

Tempo Fugit

Tempo Fugit

A very important role of the conductor is setting the tempo, the timing of the piece that the orchestra must adhere to…
 
We are told that the timing is often more important than the notes (luckily).
 
Even if you are stumbling and scrambling to play the notes, you must not slow down, ever, it is not permitted.
 
If you falter, your eyes must leap forward and you must somehow find a way to dive back into the music at full speed.
 
Everyone plays at exactly the same speed and that is what keeps the orchestra together as a cohesive unit.
 
That is what ensures that the notes weave expertly between each other.
 
That is what makes it sound like music rather than a chaotic jumble of sounds – everyone strictly obeying the conductor’s tempo.
 
Sometimes though, something strange and mysterious happens...
 
The tempo slows down, the whole orchestra slows down and the conductor slows down. Then it speeds up to the original tempo again.
 
More often than not, nothing is said about this peculiar phenomenon. Sometimes however, something is said; inevitably by someone who has the unenviable task of counting thirty nine bars of rests until they are called upon to play again.
 
Bored musician: “Erm… I think it slowed down from bar 168 to bar 174.”
 
Maestro: “Yes, you’re absolutely right, it did.”
 
Bored musician: “But there is nothing to say that it should. There is no rallentando marked there.”
 
Maestro: “You’re right, there isn’t a rallentando there.”
 
Bored musician: “But you were conducting more slowly.”
 
Maestro: “Yes, I was, because the whole orchestra slowed down.”
 
Bored musician: “But you should keep the tempo.”
 
Maestro: “Yes, I suppose I should, but there is no point if the whole orchestra slows down.”
 
Bored musician: “Well why does the whole orchestra slow down? They should be following you.”
 
Maestro: “I’ll tell you why. It’s because they are actually listening to each other and responding to what they hear. That’s what makes the difference between a good orchestra and a great orchestra.”
 
Bored musician: “But...”
 
Maestro: “BEGINNING!”
 
“Change begins with understanding and understanding begins by identifying oneself with another person: in a word, empathy. The arts enable us to put ourselves in the minds, eyes, ears and hearts of other human beings.” ~ Richard Eyre~

Friday, 24 January 2014

A Pain In The Neck

A Pain In The Neck

I wrote some time ago about having neck, shoulder and elbow problems...
 
I went to the doctor about it almost three months ago at the beginning of November.
 
Things are moving along.
 
Since the doctor’s appointment I have had an x-ray, spoken to the doctor on the phone and had a meeting with a very nice ‘triage’ woman early in December.
 
“Right, let’s have a look at your x-ray.” She said and clicked around on her computer. “Oh, it’s not here. Where did you have it taken?” she asked.
 
Apparently, although only a few miles away, the hospital was in a different district and she didn’t have access to their files.
 
We were both disappointed as it would have been quite useful to her for planning the necessary treatment.
 
Fortunately she was able to use creative imagination and a plastic skeleton to demonstrate the possible problem and propose the way forward; physiotherapy and a consultation with the orthopaedic team.
 
She told me that one would phone me and one would write to me. I can’t remember which was which.
 
So, while I am eagerly awaiting further contact, life goes on with manageable discomfort.
 
Yesterday I went to the hairdressers and was directed as usual to the dreaded backwash:

“Could you put YOUR head back for me please?”

I carefully put my head back.

She washed my hair vigorously and by the time she asked if I was “having conditioner today” my neck had had enough and I declined.

“Could you put YOUR head forward for me?”

With no small effort I put my head forward. She rubbed the back of my hair and I heard that ‘still soapy’ sound.

“Could you put YOUR head back again for me?”

I obliged and she did the necessary further rinsing.

“Could you put YOUR head forward for me?”

I creakily put it forward and she placed a towel on the edge of the sink.

“Could you put YOUR head back for me?”

I gritted my teeth; put my head back again and she rubbed it manically with a towel.

“Can you put YOUR head forward again for me.”

I was getting rather agitated by this torture but managed to heave my head forward to the upright position.

She placed another towel on the edge of the sink. I knew what was happening now. This was the finale where she loosely wraps the towel around my head before leading me to sit looking at myself in the mirror. Looking at myself and acknowledging that my head wrapped in a damp towel with a corner hanging over one eye is not my best look. Not my best look but a little better than the woman next to me with silver flaps stuck to her head and sheepishly reading a magazine.

“Could you put YOUR head back again for me?”

“Actually, no, I can’t.” I replied “I’ve got a bad neck. I can’t be putting it backwards and forwards like this all the time.” My words came out surprisingly more harshly than I had expected.

She struggled awkwardly across the backwash to ineffectually wrap the towel around my head.

“Would you come over to THIS chair for me? Would you like a coffee?”

“No thank you.” I replied as I sat down and, with my unobscured eye, regarded my grumpy little face in the mirror and wondered when I would hear from the orthopaedic team.

“The two enemies of human happiness are pain and boredom.” ~Arthur Schopenhauer~

Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Beethoven's Sympathy No. 3

Beethoven's Sympathy No. 3

It’s pretty much impossible to listen to Beethoven whilst at work…
 
My boss: “Can you turn that down please?”
 
Me: “OK, sorry”
 
My boss: “You didn’t have to turn it off.”
 
Me: “I didn’t; it’s a quiet section.”
 
My boss: “Well you can turn it up a bit.”
 
Me: “It’s ok like this.”
 
My boss: “Wow! Turn it down; you’ve turned it up too high.”
 
Me: “I didn’t change it; it’s a loud section.”
 
My boss: “Well it wasn’t that loud before, turn it down.”
 
Me: “OK.”
 
My boss: “Now I can’t hear it at all.”
 
Me: “It’s quiet now - piano.”
 
My boss: “Piano? I can’t hear one. What’s with the posh voice all of a sudden?”
 
Me: “Piano means quiet.”
 
My boss: “Right. Why does it keep going loud then quiet? Is it a bad recording?”
 
Me: “Dynamics. It’s supposed to make it more textured and interesting.”
 
My boss: “Textured and interesting? It just makes me jump.”
 
Me: “That’s another reason too. To keep the audience awake.”
 
My boss: “Well I don’t want to be kept awake. I’m at work.”
 
Me: “OK I’ll turn it off. Sorry.”
 
Roll over Beethoven.