Thursday, 28 November 2013

The Mediocre Samaritan

The Mediocre Samaritan

No good deed goes unpunished…
 
I wrote about an agency worker in “Reasons to be Unreasonable” and “The U Turn”. Yesterday he said that he was feeling rotten and didn’t know if he had the energy to carry on through the day.
 
He looked pale and droopy and had a nasty hacking cough.
 
At the afternoon tea break, the warehouse manager said that he had sent him home.
 
I thought about the agency worker feeling so ill and making the hour-long cycle ride home in the cold wind and rain. What if he collapsed? What if he had an accident?
 
I decided to talk to my boss about it.
 
Me: “You know that the agency worker was feeling really unwell?”
My boss: “Yes I know. That’s why he was sent home, because he is ill.”
Me: “Did you know it takes him about an hour to cycle home?”
My boss: “Yes, I suppose it would take about an hour especially on the bike he’s got. Have you seen the state of it?”
 
I decided that a more direct approach was needed.
 
Me: “Why don’t you be a Good Samaritan and put his bike in the back of the van and drive him home?”
My boss: “Well he’s gone now.”
Me: “Well he won’t have got far on a bike; you could catch up with him.”
My boss: “Yes. Yes, I’ll do that.”

My boss drove off in the van.
 
He returned to the office a few minutes later.
 
My boss: “Stubborn man!”
Me: “Didn’t he want a lift?”
My boss: “No. He swore at me!”
Me: “What? He swore at you? But you were trying to help him.”
My boss: “I know. He told me to sod off. Well worse than that actually.”
Me: “What happened exactly?”
My boss: “Well I caught up with him along the lane. I beeped the horn and he just ignored me. So I drove right up behind him and beeped the horn a few times. He turned his head round and… and swore at me.”
Me: “What happened next?”
My boss: “I came back to the office.”
Me: “Oh well. At least you tried.”
 
“If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them.” ~Dalai Lama~

Wednesday, 27 November 2013

Aristotle’s Theory of Perception

Aristotle's Theory of Perception

As a birthday treat, we and our friends went out for a meal at a Greek restaurant…
 
We ordered our drinks and perused the menu.
 
Greek music was playing softly in the background.
 
Even the charming typing error on the menu added to the ambiance; ‘roasted chicken tights’.
 
On that dark and damp November evening, we began to feel as though we were indeed far from care on a sun-kissed Aegean Island.
 
The waitress, with a wonderfully sultry accent, asked if we were ready to order.
 
We ordered dishes that reminded us of the blissful holidays spent in Greece.
 
We chatted about Greece, reminiscing about happy times.
 
It turns out that we had all learned to speak a little Greek, just enough to get by.
 
Handy phrases such as “Could I have some more bread please?”, “Not now Sophia!” and “I have a flat tyre.”
 
The waitress arrived with our meals. “Efharisto” I said in my best accent and with a smile.
 
She looked a little surprised, perhaps impressed (it was hard to tell), before she responded with a warm “Parakalo”.
 
I was reminded by my partner that I should have said “Efharisto poli” as that would have been more polite.
 
The meal was delicious and we were all thoroughly infused with the evocative Greek ambiance.
 
When the coffees arrived we all thanked the waitress enthusiastically with “Efharisto poli” and asked for the bill.
 
I thought she looked a little sad. Perhaps she was feeling homesick and we were just making matters worse by speaking to her in her mother tongue.
 
Nevertheless, she put on a brave face and replied once again with a friendly “Parakalo.”
 
As she was processing our payment she asked if we had enjoyed the meal. We all exclaimed that we had, very much.
 
“Where are you from?” I asked.
 
“Armenia” she replied “Your taxis are waiting outside for you.”
 
My embarrassment was soon overtaken by amazement to see that our taxi was being driven by a man that looked remarkably like Father Christmas.
 
As he drove us home I admired his perfectly formed snow-white bushy beard. Of course I knew that he wasn’t actually Father Christmas but a childlike excitement washed over me nonetheless.
 
When we arrived home and paid him, he said “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but could you tell me what you put in your hair to make it like that? You see, I’m Father Christmas and I’ve run out of wax for my moustache and I thought I would try something different. It needs to be like this…”
 
He turned around and twisted the ends of his perfect moustache into upturned points.
 
“It’s gel, just wait a minute and we’ll get you some.” I said breathlessly.
 
Father Christmas gratefully accepted the tube of gel and winked at us before disappearing into the night.
 
I was sure I could hear sleigh bells.
 
“Begin challenging your own assumptions. Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in awhile, or the light won’t come in.” ~Alan Alda ~

Friday, 22 November 2013

Fiddler’s Elbow

Fiddler's Elbow

In yesterday’s post “Patience Charter” I mentioned that I’ve been having trouble with my elbow and that the doctor seemed more concerned with the shoulder trouble...
 
I decided to take matters into my own hands.
 
I read on the internet that an elbow support can help to alleviate the problem.
 
The supermarket didn’t have any so I went to the local chemist.
 
I like the chemist; they give good trustworthy advice and generally have what you need there and then.
 
Barbara, who used to work at the greengrocers was there and asked if she could help me.
 
Me: “Oh hello Barbara, I’m looking for an elbow support. Do you have any?”
Barbara: “Yes we do they’re over here.”
Me: “Great, thank you.”
Barbara: “Is it for yourself?”
Me: “Er.. no. It’s for a…. friend.” (For some reason, this is the etiquette in chemists.)
Barbara: “I see.”
Me: “How do you know whether you’ve got a medium elbow?”
Barbara: “Let’s see, it’s got measurements on the box… Medium is 24 to 29 centimetres.”
Me: “Oh. I’m not really sure what that would look like in terms of elbow size.”
Barbara: “I’ll get the tape measure.”
 
She showed me 24cm on the tape measure, and then 29cm.
 
Me: “I still can’t really visualise it as an elbow.”
 
She looped the tape measure and showed me the loop.
 
Me: “Er, no. I’m still not sure.”
Barbara: “Do you think your friend has the same sized elbow as you?”
Me: “Yes. Yes she has. Pretty much the same I would say.”
Barbara: “Let’s measure your elbow then shall we?”
Me: “OK” 

I offered my arm for Barbara to measure.
 
Barbara: “It’s not going to be very accurate because of your coat.”
Me: “Oh, I’m sure it will be roughly right.”
Barbara: “It is a rather thick coat.”
Me: “It’s about the same as my friend’s coat.”
Barbara: “You should really wear the support under the coat.”
Me: “Yes, I will... I will.. tell her to.”
Barbara: “OK, well that’s 35 centimetres with the coat.”
Me: “Well, I think medium will be fine then, thank you.”

I made my purchase and am now wearing the medium elbow support.

My elbow feels much more supported - my hand is a little swollen, cold and red - but I think that’s normal.

“A physician who treats himself has a fool for a patient.” ~William Osler~

Thursday, 21 November 2013

Patience Charter

Patience Charter

I’ve been having a bit of trouble with a recurring elbow problem lately, medium term trouble with my neck and long term trouble with my left shoulder…
 
I thought I would give the hope of relief another try and made arrangements to see the doctor.
 
The system has changed lately.
 
Before, it was a case of pressing redial constantly at 8.00am before speaking to an overwrought receptionist to book a begrudged appointment.
 
Now you can phone at any time.
 
Receptionist: “Hello, medical centre.”
Me: “Hello, could I make an appointment to see a doctor please?”
Receptionist: “Could you tell me what you would like to see the doctor about?”
Me: “Erm. About my health.”
Receptionist: “Could you be a little more specific?”
Me: “My shoulder, my elbow and my neck. They all hurt.”
Receptionist: “Oh dear. OK then. What I’ll do is I’ll ask the doctor to phone you to discuss it with you. Do you want him to phone the mobile number that we have for you?”
Me: “Yes, ok. Thank you.”
Receptionist: “He’ll phone you between 8.00am and 11.00am tomorrow, is that ok?”
Me: “Er, yes, thank you.”
 
The doctor duly phones the following day.
 
Doctor: “Hello, I believe you’re having trouble with your neck, shoulder and elbow.”
Me: “Yes that’s right.”
Doctor: “And you asked for me to phone you.”
Me: “Well, I think I would prefer to actually see you.”
Doctor: “Yes, it’s probably best that you come into the surgery so that I can examine you. Can you come in tomorrow morning at 10.00am?”
Me: “Yes, that’s fine. I’ll see you tomorrow then. Thank you.”
 
I saw the doctor. He asked me to move my arm around in different directions before saying that he thought I should have an X-ray taken of my shoulder and to phone back in two weeks to discuss it.
 
“What about my elbow and my neck?” I asked. “They’re probably linked to your shoulder.” He replied. I’m no medical expert, but even I knew that.
 
I had the X-ray taken and phoned the doctor’s surgery two weeks later as instructed.
 
Me: “Hello, I was told to phone back about my X-ray result.”
Receptionist: “When was the X-ray taken?”
Me: “Two weeks ago. The doctor told me to phone back after two weeks.”
Receptionist: “Ah, yes… here we are… tendonitis.”
Me: “Oh, right.”
Receptionist: “Yes, tendonitis. That’s all it says in the notes.”
Me: “Should I see the doctor then?”
Receptionist: “No. It doesn’t say that he wants to see you. It just says tendonitis.”
Me: “Well, could he phone me about it then?”
Receptionist: “Do you want the doctor to phone you?”
Me: “Yes please. I would like to discuss what happens next.”
Receptionist: “OK. I’ll ask the doctor to phone you. It will be between 8.00am and 11.00am tomorrow morning.”
Me: “Great, thank you.”
 
The doctor duly phones the following day.
 
Doctor: “Hello, I believe you phoned about the X-ray you had taken of your shoulder.”
Me: “Yes that’s right.”
Doctor: “And you asked for me to phone you.”
Me: “Yes. The receptionist told me that I had tendonitis.”
Doctor: “Yes that’s right. Calcific tendonitis. The X-ray showed large calcific deposits caused by chronic inflammation of the rotator cuff tendon. This is probably what is causing pain and mobility difficulties.”
Me: “Oh. Can anything be done about it?”
Doctor: “I can refer you to the orthopaedic team.”
Me: “You’re going to refer me to the orthopaedic team?”
Doctor: “Yes, if you want me to I can do that. They will write to you. Do you have a preference of hospital?”
Me: “Not really. Thank you. I’ll wait to hear from them.”
 
It really is an excellent new system; it’s important for patients to have a feeling of control.

Wednesday, 20 November 2013

Tea Break Twalk

Tea Break Twalk

Current affairs are often discussed in the workplace during the tea break…
 
Bob: “I heard that the most popular word of the year is selfie and it’s going in the dictionary or something.”
 
Steve: “Never heard of it. What’s it mean?”
 
Bob: “I think it’s just a picture of yourself; one that you’ve taken yourself.”
 
Steve: “Right. How boring.”
 
Bob: “Another popular word is twerking.”
 
Steve: “Oh yeah, I know what that is. Stephen Fry is one of the most popular twerkers; he’s got millions of followers apparently.”
 
Bob: “No, that’s Twitter – he doesn’t twerk; he tweets.”
 
Steve: “Oh yeah. Well what’s twerking then?”
 
Bob: “I think it’s that dance they do these days like this…” <demonstrates something akin to twerking without spilling his tea>
 
Steve: “Very nice Bob! But I’d call that twerping not twerking. Are there any biscuits left?”
 
Bob: “Only bourbons, do you want one?”
 
Steve: “Go on then. I’ll take a selfie of me eating it.”
 
A most entertaining tea break indeed.

Tuesday, 19 November 2013

Dress Code

Dress Code

A case of mistaken identity…
 
In “Our Big Concert” I said that the Lord Mayor had not made his anticipated appearance at our concert but that the Mayoress (with purple hair) and a female companion (with aquamarine hair) were in attendance.
 
I have since discovered that, far from being stood up by her husband, the purple haired “Mayoress” is in fact the Lord Mayor and her companion is her daughter and the Lady Mayoress.
 
I am sure that this is not the first time that there has been confusion over the Lord Mayor’s status. Expectations and ‘uniforms’ can often lead to a misreading of social standing.
 
One time at a restaurant, I was heading for a comfort break and a man smiled, waved at me and cocked his head back. Not wishing to appear unfriendly; I smiled and gave a mini-wave back to him.
 
On my return journey to the table, the man was rather more insistent, shouting “Excuse me!” and beckoning me to him before saying “Could we have the bill when you’re ready?”
 
I have since avoided wearing black trousers and a white blouse when out for dinner.
 
Another time, before the austerity measures took their hold, we used to go out for a works Christmas lunch. These days the Christmas treat consists of a box of deep-filled mince pies left by the tea urn. There is always a deficit of one mince pie to cater for the whole company – a kind of musical chairs only with mincemeat.
 
The last time we went out to a restaurant for our works Christmas lunch, my boss dispensed with his usual business jacket and instead wore a casual sweater for the occasion. Nothing wrong with that you might say, but due to it being stored on a wire hanger for the best part of the year, he took on the appearance of a burgundy coloured vampire bat, a tired one at that.
 
We were all seated and happily discussing the merits of condensing boilers when the waitress came to our table and addressed me.
 
Waitress: “Would you like to order the drinks for your team?”
Me: “Erm, well…”
My boss: “I’m the boss, I’ll order the drinks.”
Waitress: “Heh heh, very good. Would you like a few minutes?”
Me: “No, really. He is the boss.”
 
Once the respective social positions had been established we could all relax and enjoy the boss’s favourite magic trick/conundrum involving a wine glass and knives.

Appearances can certainly be deceptive. Beware of the wolf in sheep’s clothing and also the sheep in the wolf outfit.
 
 

Friday, 15 November 2013

The U Turn

The U Turn

A couple of weeks ago in ‘Reasons to be Unreasonable’ I described my negative feelings towards an agency worker. Since then my impression of him has changed…
 
I’ve seen him braving all weathers cycling to and from work in the dark.
 
I’ve seen him spend several lunch breaks repairing punctures caused by thorns left on the roads after hedge-cutting.
 
I’ve seen him putting his rubbish in the bin instead of dropping it where he stood.
 
I’ve seen him stand taller and smile more often.
 
I’ve even talked with him.
 
He told me his wife had left him after twenty three years of marriage.
 
He told me that he feels that twenty three years of his life have been wasted.
 
He told me that he gave up his job because he couldn’t cope after the breakup of his marriage; he thought that it would be easy to get another job, but it wasn’t.
 
He told me that he leaves home for work at 7.00 in the morning and gets home at 6.30 in the evening.
 
He told me that he doesn’t know if he’ll be needed from one week to the next.
 
He said that although the money isn’t very good, he’d rather work than sit at home.
 
I admire him and actually quite like him now. He still spits now and then, but who can blame him?
 
Earlier this week my constantly inspirational friend, Claire, posted a quote (Plato?) which seems very appropriate:
 
“Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.”

Wednesday, 13 November 2013

An Eye for Music

An Eye for Music

The quest for perfect quavers…
 
Amongst the many shortcomings of my violin playing, the one that currently frustrates me the most is the seemingly increasing inability to play a long series of short and fast notes without faltering.
 
I have practiced studies for hours, but still hesitate and stumble.
 
I have tried gradually increasing the speed of the metronome.
 
I have really tried hard to look ahead without forgetting where I’m up to.
 
I have quizzed my proficient orchestra colleagues who claim to be looking a good two bars ahead.
 
I have raised my concerns with my teacher who assured me that if I move the bow at the right speed and use the correct part and amount of the bow, my fingers will keep up.
 
I have tried concentrating really hard (a novel idea).
 
But still the problem remains.
 
Then last week I realised that I had difficulty distinguishing between notes. By the time I had decided whether a note was a ‘b’ or a ‘d’ the moment had passed.
 
I phoned for an appointment with the optician.
 
“You’re on a two year call-back. Is there any reason why you want an appointment now?” asked the receptionist. “Yes, I can’t see properly.” I explained. This seemed to be a good enough reason and along I went for my appointment.
 
First was the peripheral vision test. I was instructed to focus on the little black square and click the aptly named ‘clicker’ whenever I saw groups of lines.
 
I clicked away when I saw little groups of lines. Then the black square moved around and both sides of the image shimmered with long black wavy lines.
 
“Am I supposed to click at these big lines down the sides?” I asked.
 
“Yes, that’s right. Just click whenever you see lines.”
 
“Oh, the whole thing is flashing now.” I said.
 
“Can you see lines?” She asked.
 
“Er… oh. Yes… no…. oh, everything’s gone black.”
 
“You’re not epileptic are you?” she said as she rushed round to look through the viewer “Oh, not again. This thing’s on its last legs. Would you like to come over to this one?”
 
The other testing machine was in perfect working order, as apparently is my peripheral vision.
 
The rest of the testing went without a hitch other than the horrible eye-puffing machine, not a nice experience for someone of a nervous disposition.
 
Apparently my eyesight has deteriorated and my existing glasses are no good for either close or intermediate distances.
 
I perused the frames and decided on the pair that reminded me of Gareth Malone – he knows a thing or two about music so I trust his choice of frame shape.
 
My new glasses should be ready for Saturday’s orchestra rehearsal. I’m expecting great things.

Tuesday, 12 November 2013

The Importance of Being Important

The Importance of Being Important

Even in these times of austerity, status symbols are as important as ever…
 
Me: “You’re looking a bit low down at your desk.”
 
My boss: “I know. I think the gas thing on my chair is faulty. It sinks down every time I move.”
 
Me: “Can it be fixed?”
 
My boss: “I don’t know. It’s not very comfortable anyway. There’s a metal bar that I can feel with the back of my legs. It makes my feet go numb.”
 
Me: “It sounds like you need a new chair then.”
 
My boss: “I’m not getting a new one, they’re too expensive.”
 
Me: “Well why don’t you get one like mine?”
 
My boss: “No no no, I couldn’t possibly have one like yours; I need a high back leather director’s chair.”
 
Me: “Why?”
 
My boss: “Because I’m a director.”
 
Me: “Yes, I know you are, but it’s important to be comfortable. This chair is fine.”
 
My boss: “People would think it was strange if I had a cheap little chair like yours.”
 
Me: “I don’t think they’d even think about it.”
 
My boss: “Look. I’m a director. Directors have director’s chairs to show who they are; end of conversation.”
 
Me: “OK”
 
I made no further comment as he sank down a further two inches before getting up and hobbling out of the office.

Monday, 11 November 2013

The Unifying Force of Music

The Unifying Force of Music

Music brings people together…
 
The unifying power of playing music in a group can help to dissolve differences between nations and bring about a common understanding and appreciation of diverse cultures.
 
It is not simply the playing of music together, but the time spent together, especially during break times, discussing our differing cultural practices and, very importantly, eating cake.
 
A violinist friend once told me that she had taken her violin to the luthier to overcome a problem with lack of resonance. He told her that he had successfully resolved the problem by removing rather a lot of cake that had fallen through the ‘f’ holes. He advised her to avoid eating cake with the violin on her lap in future.
 
Yesterday was our string quartet practice session hosted by our violist who happens to be Danish.
 
Nothing focusses flagging concentration more than the words “Let’s go through this one more time and then we’ll have a break.”
 
During our breaks over the years we have found that, although Denmark and England are geographically close, there are certainly some minor cultural differences which are very interesting to discover.
 
Yesterday we were discussing Christmas and the decorations and food that accompany the festivities and how these differed between the two Countries.
 
During this conversation our (English, with French heritage) first violinist picked up the small jug from the centre of the table and poured a substantial amount of the contents onto her piece of cake.
 
Our Danish violist host observed this action with keen interest.
 
“I’ve just poured milk all over my cake!” exclaimed our first violinist.
 
Our Danish violist host nodded and looked expectantly for an explanation.
 
“Yes, we sometimes do that on the second Sunday of the month.” I said “It’s a very old tradition.”
 
“That’s right!” agreed our first violinist “It’s called ‘milking the occasion.’”
 
“I see” said our Danish violist “I thought perhaps you were protesting because I hadn’t provided cream to go with the cake.”
 
We all laughed uproariously, and fully refreshed, continued playing wonderful string quartet music together.
 
Music, laughter and cake - all strong contenders for the universal language.

Friday, 8 November 2013

Our Big Concert

Our Big Concert

Last Wednesday night was the most prestigious concert yet for our community orchestra…
 
We had all managed to find the venue, a 14th/15th Century church at the brow of a dark cobbled street. It was converted into an educational centre and concert venue in the 1970’s but still retains the architecture and feel of an ancient place of worship. 
 
The magnificent sandstone medieval arches sweeping upwards towards the richly carved vaulted ceiling made it a rather different environment to the little village hall that our orchestra is accustomed to performing in.
 
After a bewildering game of Tetris, involving music stands and chairs, the stage was finally set and we settled into our places for a last minute run through. The difference in acoustics was very noticeable with sound waves behaving in a most peculiar fashion.
 
The lighting was alien to us too; a soupy murky ambiance with brilliant spotlights on the stage casting deep shadows onto our sheet music. “Don’t look into the lights!” commanded Maestro; an instruction guaranteed to make at least half of us do so and spend the next three minutes looking like startled bush babies.
 
The audience started to arrive. Someone had mentioned that they had been to a concert at this venue the week before and the audience consisted of only around thirty people, but Wednesday night they kept arriving, more and more people until every seat was taken and more chairs were being requested. The front row seats to my right were reserved for the Mayor and Mayoress. I don’t think the Mayor showed up, unless he was dressed down in one of those brown cardigans with reinforced shoulders – the sort that are always advertised at the back of weekend newspapers.
 
The Mayoress was there though; a petite and friendly looking woman sporting an impressive chain of office and an equally impressive head of purple hair. Seated next to her was another woman with hair of a brilliant shade of aquamarine. Their hair remained these colours even after my eyesight had recovered from looking into the spotlight.
 
Maestro tapped his baton on his stand, paused on the upbeat, and then we were off, starting at a bristling pace with The March from Carmen by Bizet. The first half of the concert went well and the audience was very generous with its applause.
 
Then came the second half; the lighter side of our repertoire including music from films. A chance to enjoy playing with Hollywood style luscious long bows and wearing suitably dramatic facial expressions (often unintentionally).
 
We had rehearsed the powerful and fierce five-beats-in-a-bar section of “Lord of the Rings” hundreds of times before, but instead of the usual heavy base line introduction:
“BOM! bom bom BOM! bom, BOM! bom bom BOM! bom.”
It had changed to:
“BOM! bom BOM! bom bom, BOM! bom BOM! bom bom”
 
It may not seem like a great difference, but it was enough.
 
The music started to slide apart as we lost all sense of structure.
We had left the safety of The Shire and were lost in the terrifying depths of Middle-Earth.
I looked up at Maestro, he was now Gandalf with his wand, his hair was turning grey before my very eyes.
His mouth was fixed and he pointed towards his dark fiery eyes – an instruction to watch carefully, very very carefully.
He began conducting with a potent mystical intensity, drawing us all together into a unified whole again.
 
At the end of the piece the audience applauded wildly.
 
Subtle glances were exchanged between the players, glances that spoke of a shared experience of triumph over adversity.
 
At the end of the concert, we all stood to accept the applause. The audience members looked as though they had enjoyed themselves and the purple-haired Mayoress seemed to be impressed.
 
The stage was dismantled and we orchestra players wearily carried our instruments down the dark cobbled street and went our separate ways, reflecting on the very special evening that we had spent together.
 
An orchestra to be proud of.
 
“I have learned that success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which one has had to overcome while trying to succeed.” ~Booker T. Washington~

Wednesday, 6 November 2013

A Concert-ed Effort

A Concert-ed Effort

Well, tonight is the night of our orchestra’s most prestigious concert to date…
 
The Mayor will be in attendance. The Press will be there. Members of top professional orchestras will be there.
 
Maestro has applied increasing pressure to polish our performance to the highest level possible.
 
Orchestra members have been feeling the strain.
 
There have been more and more displays of tension as the big day has approached.
 
It may be imagined that the stress of the occasion would raise concerns such as:
“What bowings should be used for this passage?”
“What will the acoustics be like?”
“Has everyone got the correct dynamics marked down?”
“Where should we store our instrument cases?”
 
But no, rather the concerns raised have been:
“I haven’t got a white top!”
“Can I wear comedy cufflinks?”
“What? Black and white only! I always wear my lucky red bow tie for concerts!”
“What about waistcoats? Can we wear waistcoats?”
 
As Benny Goodman said, “To this day, I don't like people walking on stage not looking good. You have to look good. If you feel special about yourself then you're going to play special.”

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Between Baroque and a Hard Place

Between Baroque and a Hard Place

Nothing worthwhile comes easily…
 
I went for a violin lesson last night. I was rather apprehensive as the last lesson consisted of playing a study as quickly as possible without stopping. My teacher played along with me, each time faster and faster, shouting “keep going – we don’t stop for mistakes!” It was pretty hair-raising.

My homework was to play the study at a pace which I would describe as “far too fast” using different slurs and bowings.
 
I hadn’t done my homework.
 
I couldn’t face the shame of playing the study “far too slowly”.
 
After fretting about this, I decided at the last minute to leave the study at home and to take a violin/cello duet that I had been working on with my partner, an Allegro by Handel, a piece which I felt reasonably confident about playing.
 
I arrived at my lesson and confessed that I hadn’t done anything with the study and had brought another piece with me.
 
“Baroque!” exclaimed my teacher “You do realise that this is what I do don’t you?”
 
Of course! My teacher is one of the leading lights in the baroque playing world.
 
“Do you want the long baroque lecture or the short baroque lecture?” she asked.
 
"Um, the long one please.” I replied tentatively.
 
She opened an old violin case and took out her baroque violin, a beautiful instrument with black and white edging either side of the slender finger board.

She explained that the strings were gut rather than metal, the bass bar was shorter, the bridge was lower and the whole instrument was tuned a semitone lower than a modern violin.
“So I couldn’t possibly play this with you playing yours, it would sound awful!” she exclaimed. “Play me your ‘A’”.
I played my ‘A’ string and she played the ‘A’ on hers.
“Urgh, you see, awful isn’t it?” She asked.
“Urgh, yes, disgusting.” I agreed, trying to appear more offended by the sound than I actually was.
 
Then she handed me a baroque bow, looking dangerously taught. “Have a go with this.”
 
I held the strange bow and was about to play, at the same time developing a terrible tickle in my throat. She took hold of the bow to move it nearer to the bridge and said “You need to play it around here...”
 
I coughed, politely covering my mouth.
 
“Oh!” she exclaimed, unexpectedly finding herself holding the bow on her own. “This has happened to me before with a child, I was adjusting the angle of her violin and she just let go. I said to her ‘I’m glad someone was holding it!’”

She returned the bow to me. “Ok,” she said “Let me hear you play.”
 
I raised my bow and started to play the incessant series of quavers.
 
Bop bop bop bop bop bop bop bop…
 
“Ok, stop, stop” she commanded after I had played a mere four bars.
 
She played the piece for me. My jaw dropped. It was absolutely wonderful. I felt honoured to be a private audience to this incredible sound.
 
“That sounds much nicer.” I said, not wanting to go over the top with praise.
 
For the next forty or so minutes my teacher talked...
 
There are pauses, but not really pauses, like a breath, but much shorter than a singer’s breath.
 
Although not written into the music, there are stresses, but not really stresses, similar to the start of a new sentence, but very subtle.
 
She talked of notes being dotted but not really dotted, more held onto, some notes being cherished a little more and others a little less, yet barely noticeable.
 
She described a stream flowing over smooth rocks and stones.
 
Where there are three notes such as ‘G’, ‘D’ and ‘G’. It is almost as if it is a single ‘G’ with the ‘D’ as an ornament. There should be a diminuendo across the three notes, but not really a diminuendo, more of a gentle decay.
 
She talked of architecture. Of the soulless nature of a house with flat windows and doors compared to a house with a porch, bay windows and balconies. Of fabulous rococo ceilings with some notes being the gold leaf and other notes being the white plaster.
 
She said to pay attention to bar lines but also to ignore them and let the music determine which notes belong together.
 
She talked of two voices conversing within the music, of curving and pivoting the bow, of swelling and shaping notes like a wave rising and falling in the deep ocean.
 
My head was now swimming in this deep ocean.
 
Then I heard a ‘bing!’ sound.
 
“Ah, I think my cake’s ready.” She said and left the room.
 
I quickly packed up my instrument and music and waited for her return.
 
“Oh! I hope I haven’t put you off!” She said.
“No, not at all.” I replied “There’s a lot for me to think about. Thank you very much. It’s been really very interesting. What sort of cake is it?”
 
“Just an apple sponge. Would you like to book another lesson?”
 
“Yes, I’ll email you some dates, thank you again. Goodbye!” I said before leaving.
 
I’ve definitely got some serious practice to be getting on with.
 
“Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty… I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life.” ~Theodore Roosvelt~

Monday, 4 November 2013

The Awakening

The Awakening

Things that go bump in the night…
 
Last Friday night I was awoken from my slumber by the sound of tapping on glass.
 
I could see a light moving backwards and forwards across the bedroom curtain.
 
I checked the time: 2.30 in the morning.
 
I peered through the curtain and realised that there was someone at the rear of my neighbours’ house, someone with a torch.
 
My heart was racing. I got dressed and went to a room where I could, if I stood on a chair, see what was going on at the back of my neighbours’ house.
 
With trembling legs, I breathlessly raised myself up onto the chair.
 
I saw a figure, his face dimly illuminated by his mobile phone.
 
In the still of the night I could hear the sound of the phone ringing inside my neighbours’ house.
 
I returned to the bedroom to analyse the situation.
 
I wondered whether an intruder would behave like this. (He was still outside the house so he wasn’t really an intruder; more of an extruder.)
 
It seemed reasonable to conclude that he was trying to attract the attention of my neighbours and that he was known to them as he knew their telephone number.
 
It seemed most likely therefore that he was my neighbours’ grown-up son who occasionally stays overnight.
 
I began to feel a little calmer.
 
But why aren’t my neighbours responding to this impressively rousing behaviour?
 
Why are they ignoring the ringing phone, the flashing light and the tapping?
 
Maybe they’re away for the night.
 
Then there was more tapping. Tap tap TAP TAP TAP.
 
It was now 3.00am. He wasn’t going away.
 
I would have to speak to him.
 
I opened the bedroom window.
 
“Alex?” I said.
 
There was no response; an eerie quietness.
 
“Alex, is that you?” I continued in a louder voice.
 
There was a pause and then a feeble “yes.”
 
“Are you alright?” I enquired.
 
“They won’t let me in!” He wailed.
 
“Maybe they’re away Alex” I proffered.
 
“They are in. I can hear them snoring.”
 
“Oh right” I replied.
 
“I’ve tried phoning them and tapping on the window.”
 
“Yes, I heard you.”
 
“Oh” he said “I apologise. I wanted to wake them up, not you. I’m sorry.”
 
“That’s ok” I said.
 
“I just don’t know how to wake them up.” He said in a pitiful voice.
 
Then came a booming voice from next door “I’m awake now!” and the patio door slid open.
 
“Oh here he is,” said Alex “I really apologise for waking you up. Sorry.”
 
“Oh that’s good. Don’t worry, goodnight.”
 
“Goodnight - sorry.” His voice trailed away.
 
On Saturday afternoon I was in the garden and my neighbour sheepishly appeared over the garden fence. “This is from Alex.” He said, handing me a rather nice bottle of wine. “He feels really bad about disturbing you last night.”
 
“Ah. Really it’s fine. Thank you but there was really no need for him to do this.” I said, clutching the bottle tightly.
 
It’s important to accept a sincere apology with good grace, especially if it’s a good vintage.