Cold Comfort

Cold Comfort

I received a phone call from a man who knew my name, pronounced it correctly and knew my telephone number Q.E.D. This man clearly knew a lot about me…

 

Cold Caller: “Hello, how are you today?”

 

Me: “Hello, I’m fine thank you.”

 

Cold Caller: “I’m calling about the road traffic accident you’ve had.”

 

Me: “Road traffic accident? Me?”

 

Cold Caller: “Yes, you have apparently had a minor road traffic accident within the past three years.”

 

I had absolutely no recollection of having had a road accident, but then if it was in the past three years, I might have forgotten about it.

 

I have been assured that last night at about 3.00am I said, in a booming and authoritative voice: “Pointy screwdriver! You need a pointy screwdriver!” I have no reason to doubt that I did indeed do this, it was unquestionably a disturbing thing for me to do; but I really couldn’t remember doing it.

 

I also cannot recall putting the car keys in the fridge but I had them last and there they were, next to the huge unopened jar of pickled gherkins (which incidentally will remain unopened until I have a visitor with big enough hands who is prepared to try to open it).

 

So, given that memory is a fragile phenomenon, I was intrigued and wanted to know more about my road accident.

 

Me: “Oh, I can’t really remember having a road accident, but you said that it was a minor one?”

 

Cold Caller: “Yes it’s flagged up that you may have had a minor road accident.”

 

Me: “So, if it was a minor accident – does that mean that no one was hurt?”

 

Cold Caller: “A minor accident would mean that no one was hurt. Can you confirm that you did have a minor traffic accident in the past three years?”

 

Me: “Oh what a relief - no one was hurt. I can’t confirm the accident because I can’t really remember. You’d have to give me some more details. You say it happened in the past three years; could you be more specific?”

 

Cold Caller: “Sorry, it just says that it may have happened within the past three years.”

 

Me: “Hmm I see. Well where did it happen then?”

 

Cold Caller: “Sorry, it doesn’t give that information.”

 

Me: “Oh. Well what information does it give then?”

 

Cold Caller: “The database just gives your name, your address, your telephone number and your date of birth.”

 

Me: “Nothing about the accident at all?”

 

Cold Caller: “Er, no. It just flags that you may have had a minor road traffic accident within the past three years. But you’re saying that you didn’t have one is that right?”

 

Me: “I’m really not sure… what would make it flag up that I had?”

 

Cold Caller: “Erm, probably your date of birth. Err… it would be statistically probable that you might have had a minor accident within a three year period… based on your date of birth… but you haven’t have you?”

 

Me: “What’s that supposed to mean? Because of my age I’m statistically more likely to have lapses of concentration and therefore likely have a minor road accident within a three year period?”

 

Cold Caller: “I’m really sorry. I actually don’t think you have had a road accident. There’s obviously an error on the database. I’ll delete your details and make sure we don’t call you again. Sorry to have troubled you. Goodbye.”

 

I was so relieved that he thought I hadn’t had an accident after all. Now, where did I put my car keys?