A Little Light Conversation

A Little Light Conversation

Even when you speak the same language, it can be difficult to be understood and an interpreter is required…

 

Me: “I think something needs to be done about the lighting down the side of the building. Now it’s dark when we leave at night, it’s really hard to see when you’re going to your car.”

 

My boss: “What do you mean?”

 

Me: “I mean someone could trip in the dark round the side.”

 

My boss: “Dark round the side?”

 

Me: “Yes it’s very dark when we leave at night now.”

 

My boss: “Of course it’s dark. It’s called night time.”

 

Me: “Yes, I know that. But it’s dangerous down that side.”

 

My boss: “Well don’t go down the side then.”

 

Me: “That’s where the staff has to park isn’t it? We have to go there.”

 

My boss: “The staff has always parked down the side for the past ten years.”

 

Me: “Yes and the lighting is not sufficient to see where you’re going.”

 

My boss: “There’s lighting on the floodlights at the front.”

 

Me: “Yes, at the front but not down the side. Someone could hurt themselves.”

 

My boss: “Well they’ll just have to be careful then. At night it’s dark and you obviously have to be careful. Everyone knows that. Why are you going on about it?”

 

Me: “This is like mental torture. Someone could get hurt and it would be your fault for not providing sufficient lighting.”

 

My boss: “Rubbish! How can it be my fault that it goes dark at night?”

 

<In walks the manager with Health and Safety responsibilities.>

 

Me: “I was just trying to explain to the boss that it’s really dark round the side at night and there needs to be better lighting.”

 

Manager with H&S responsibilities: “Yes, I agree. I told you last year that it needed sorting out.”

 

My boss: “What?”

 

Manager with H&S responsibilities: “Yeah, I told you that I tripped going to the car and that you needed to sort some lighting out down that side.”

 

My boss: “Well let’s sort it out then. I’ll phone the electrician now. We can’t have people tripping over in the dark. It’s dangerous.”

 

“If you want that good feeling that comes from doing things for other folks then you have to pay for it in abuse and misunderstanding.” ~ Zora Neale Hurston ~

The Time Warp

The Time Warp

Sometimes dramatic events unfold, seemingly in slow-motion, as all the senses are heightened…

 

I was at a friend’s house helping to prepare a meal. The potatoes were boiling away on the hob, the salad was being prepared. Everything was going to plan.

 

Then her cat jumped up onto the kitchen counter.

 

Then the cat walked along the counter; the really thin bit by the gas hob.

 

I saw the cat’s whiskers pass through the flame and shrivel.

 

Then I could smell burning fur.

 

I heard myself saying “Your cat’s on fire!”

 

I heard my friend shriek and saw her lurching towards the burning cat.

 

I saw my friend frantically hitting at the cat to extinguish the smouldering fur along its flank.

 

I noticed that my friend was still holding a vegetable knife.

 

I heard myself shouting “No! Stop! You’re stabbing the cat!”

 

I heard my friend scream.

 

I saw the curly-whiskered singed cat jump off the counter.

 

I saw my friend lunge at the cat and tread on its tail.

 

I heard stereophonic squealing.

 

I saw my friend pick up the cat and wrap it in a towel.

 

I thought the cat bore a passing resemblance to Salvador Dali.

 

This dreadful chain of events took place in less than a minute but the memory will last forever.

P.S. The cat made a full recovery.

Slim Chants

Slim Chants

A colleague has decided to lose weight, get fitter and, more importantly, spread the good word...

Me: “Good Morning!”

Born Again Health and Fitness Guru: “Yes it is a good morning. I’ve lost two pounds since last week. I went on the ‘bouncer’ last night for ten minutes. It really gets the back of your calves.”

Me: “Bouncer?”

Born Again Health and Fitness Guru: “Yes, it’s a mini trampoline in my bedroom. I go on it every night.”

Me: “What do you wear?”

Born Again Health and Fitness Guru: “Just socks and underpants. I’d get too hot if I wore anything else.”

Me: “Oh, OK”

Born Again Health and Fitness Guru: “Have you had breakfast this morning?”

Me: “Yes, a piece of toast.”

Born Again Health and Fitness Guru: “Oh that’s no good; you should have more than that. I have muesli with yoghurt and a handful of strawberries, sometimes blueberries, and a couple of slices of wholegrain toast. It’s important to have a good breakfast.”

Me: “Right.”

Born Again Health and Fitness Guru: “Yes. I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. I know because I can hardly do my belt up. I’ve been on diets loads of times so I know all about how to lose weight and get fit.”

Me: “Hmm.”

Born Again Health and Fitness Guru: “Look, here’s my lunch… two rounds of Pastrami sandwiches with pickles, some cherries and grapes, a little marmite flavoured babybel cheese, and a chicken noodle cup-a-soup.”

Me: “Wow! And is that a Cadbury Twirl in there too?”

Born Again Health and Fitness Guru: “Oh, yes, just a little one. I’m allowed treats. It stops me feeling deprived.”

Me: “I see.”

Born Again Health and Fitness Guru: “What have you got for lunch?”

Me: “Oh. A sandwich, an apple and a few almonds.”

Born Again Health and Fitness Guru: “That’s not good. You need more than that.”

Me: “It’s fine. It’s enough until my evening meal.”

Born Again Health and Fitness Guru: “Well, when I get home I’ll just have some sandwiches. I never have a hot meal in the evening. Unless it’s Friday of course, I always have an Indian takeaway on a Friday as a reward. It’s important to reward yourself; it keeps the motivation and discipline up.”

Me: “I like having a hot meal in the evening.”

Born Again Health and Fitness Guru: “No. That’s the worst thing you can do. Just a light meal is all you need if you want to lose weight and be healthy.”

Me: “I don’t feel as though I need to lose weight and I feel pretty healthy.”

Born Again Health and Fitness Guru: “Ah well you’re probably just lucky. You must have skinny parents.”

Me: “No, not really.”

Born Again Health and Fitness Guru: “Well you need to be careful then. Trust me, I know all about health and fitness. I’ve lost so much weight over the years - if you add it all up.”

Well, you can’t question such impressive credentials.

Reasons to be Unreasonable

Reasons to be Unreasonable

Sometimes we all experience uncomfortable and unreasonable feelings…

 

An agency worker has been employed at work for the past couple of weeks. Unfortunately he has adopted the exact spot on the pavement outside the building where I like to be. The spot on the pavement where I have always gone to stand (or on a nice day, to sit) on my own at break times.

 

This experience has made me realise that, although I thought I was a spontaneous easy-going person, I am in fact rather territorial and a creature of habit.

 

I have tried getting to my spot before he did but then he came and stood right next to me; too close for comfort. He also tried to engage me in a conversation about work which rather flew in the face of my concept of break time.

 

I have also tried to find other suitable spots to stand but they just don’t feel right.

 

I have therefore been reduced to random wanderings like a lost soul. Feeling bereft and cuckolded. I occasionally discretely wander to areas where I can see him enjoying my spot on the pavement. I can feel my eyes narrowing as I see him blithely eating a sandwich or making a phone call.

 

Of course I realised that these resentful feelings are irrational, that he is completely innocent and entitled to stand where he chooses. His choice of standing position was certainly not a good enough reason for me to loathe this man, and yet I did.

 

No one enjoys such feelings of ambivalence and so it is only natural to attempt to discover suitable cast iron justifications for seemingly unreasonable hostility.

 

Then I found it - perfect justification.

 

He had finished his break and went back to work a few minutes early. I meandered over to my dear old place and saw to my horror; right there on my treasured spot of the pavement – spit.

 

That dirty beast had been spitting – a lot - great glistening globules of foamy filth.

 

Not only that, he had been littering: casting his unwanted sandwich wrappers into the surrounding shrubbery.

 

I was at once revolted and elated. Although I had still lost my favourite spot, I now had license to thoroughly dislike this man and yet maintain a clear conscience.

 

As they say, “Every cloud has a silver lining”.

Fifteen Minutes of Fame

Fifteen Minutes of Fame

Keeping with the ‘famous’ theme; because people visiting Stratford expect that they might spot a famous person, sometimes you yourself may be mistaken for one…

 

I went into one of my favourite haunts, The Vintner Café Wine Bar, placed my order, picked up a newspaper and relaxed, soaking in the congenial atmosphere.

 

There was a couple sitting at a table for two on the other side of the room and I couldn’t help but notice that the woman was regarding me with some interest. I acknowledged her attention with a lift of the eyebrows and a pleasant smile. She smiled back at me.

 

She leant across the table and spoke to her partner and pointed in my direction, he then glanced over at me. I say glanced but he did look for slightly longer than I consider polite. I gave a nod of the head and smiled at him too. He seemed surprised to be acknowledged by a ‘famous’ person and smiled warmly back at me.

 

They became engaged in deep discussion, occasionally looking over at me. I began to feel a little uncomfortable and thought that this is what real famous people must put up with all the time. I tried to appear unperturbed and continued reading the paper.

 

I became aware that they seemed to be in some disagreement; possibly over where they had seen me before. 

 

They summoned the waiter and questioned him. The waiter looked over his shoulder at me before turning back and responding. The couple nodded excitedly. I took a sip of coffee and maintained an air of calm dignity.

 

Then the woman looked over towards me again before saying “Yes! I think we’ll both have the carrot and coriander soup with continental bread.”

 

I turned my head and registered the fact that I was sitting in front of the “Specials” menu before becoming very deeply engrossed in the newspaper.

 

As the poet Emily Dickinson wrote “Fame is a fickle food upon a shifting plate.”

Hobnobbing With The Rich & Famous

Hobnobbing With The Rich & Famous

It’s always nice to meet and interact with famous people…

 

I’ve just come back from a fleeting visit to Stratford-Upon-Avon. It’s lovely there and occasionally you might just spot a famous person.

 

I’ve seen Sir Ian McKellen there although I couldn’t interact with him because he was having publicity photographs taken and I wasn’t allowed near him.

 

The last time I was in Stratford I noticed a familiar looking woman in The Black Swan pub (or The Dirty Duck as it is known colloquially – the pub that is; not the familiar looking woman). I tried to figure out why she looked familiar but couldn’t quite place her. I did interact with her in a way as, after a while, she gave me a funny look. I later found out that she was Anita Dobson the actress from ‘Eastenders’ (wife of pub owner Dirty Den - the man that is; not the pub).

 

I find that famous musicians are a little easier to interact with. Simply attend one of their concerts and, for the price of their latest CD, they seem quite willing to engage with you.

 

I once met Julian Lloyd Webber the famous cellist. He was very nice and I think I interacted very well with him:

Me: “You play really well. Do you practice a lot?”

Julian Lloyd Webber: “Thank you. Yes, I try to practice every day. It’s important to play every day even if it’s just for a little while.”

Me: “Do your fingers get sore?”

Julian Lloyd Webber: “No.”

Me: “Mine do, when I play the violin a lot.”

Julian Lloyd Webber: “I think your fingers will get used to it.”

Me: “That’s good. Thank you.”

Julian Lloyd Webber: “OK” 

 

I have also met and interacted with Nicola Benedetti, the famous violinist:

Nicola Benedetti: “Hiya”

Me: “Hi. Could you sign this for me please?”

Nicola Benedetti: “Sure.” <she signed the CD>

Me: “Thank you.”

Nicola Benedetti: “OK”

 

Another famous violinist that I have met and interacted with is Pavel Šporcl.

As I was queuing for him to sign the CD I was trying to think of a good question to ask him.

I was trying to think of a question that he wouldn’t have been asked a thousand times before as I was attempting to take the cellophane off the CD.

I was nearing the front of the queue I could neither think of a good question nor remove the cellophane CD wrapper.

Then I was there, at the front of the queue, with the wonderful Pavel Šporcl seated before me, looking up at me with marker pen poised.

Me: “Oh. Hello. Could you unwrap this for me please?”

Pavel Šporcl: “Sure.” <he deftly removed the cellophane wrapper and signed the CD>

Me: “Thank you.”

Pavel Šporcl: “OK”

 

It must be nice to be famous and meet lots of interesting people.

The Dark Horse

The Dark Horse

We have a rather unassuming gentle shy draughtsman that occasionally visits to discuss new projects…

My boss seems to find the draughtsman a bit of a dullard and makes determined efforts to rattle his cage to get a reaction.

My boss: “Hi Mark. Take a seat.” <Yawns loudly>

Mark the draughtsman: “Thanks.”

My boss: “Would you like a cup of tea?”

Mark the draughtsman: “No thanks, I’m ok.”

My boss: “Would you like a smack in the face?”

Mark the draughtsman: “Pardon?”

My boss: “Do you want a bag on your head?”

Mark the draughtsman: “No thanks.”

My boss: “Don’t you remember that – it’s a sketch from ‘Not the Nine o’Clock News'. It was really funny. It was about a hi fi shop with Mel Smith and Griff Rhys Jones. Have you heard of them? I don’t suppose you have.”

Mark the draughtsman: “Yes, I have. I’ve written a few jokes for Alas Smith and Jones.”

My boss: “What?”

Mark the draughtsman: “Yes I wrote for them; a few of my sketches were used.”

My boss: “Right. So you have heard of them. Anyway. About these drawings…”

 

It is true that you can’t judge a book by its cover.

The Zen Garden

The Zen Garden

Over the years I have adopted various methods to relieve the stress of the workplace…

 

One of these methods was the construction of a little zen garden in an out-of –the-way corner at the back of the building. My zen garden consisted of a rounded piece of concrete topped with two carefully selected stones of descending size.

 

They weren’t much to look, at but I used to ponder on the stones. I had my own thoughts about them. How they resembled life. How they were nothing like life. I gained peace and comfort from their constancy.

 

Then one day – they were gone.

 

I was surprisingly distraught about this, so much so that I asked my colleagues if they knew anything about the destruction of the zen garden. They denied all knowledge and seemed bemused to learn that there had been a zen garden at all.

 

Then the truth came out.

 

Bill from the agency, otherwise known as ‘Agency Bill’ said “Ah, was it that little pile of stones?”

 

“Yes, yes it was” I replied eagerly “What do you know about it?”

 

“Erm, I threw them over the fence. I was on the phone to the agency and I was a bit frustrated with them. I don’t know, I just saw the stones and chucked them over. I didn’t know it was a zen garden. I’m sorry.” He replied.

 

I didn’t bother asking why he chose those stones from the thousands of others. I reassured him that it wasn’t important and returned crestfallen to my desk.

 

The next morning, there was a little flowering plant, exactly where the zen garden used to be. Agency Bill asked me if it was ok that he’d planted it there. I said it was and thanked him.

 

It’s not the same as the stones, but I do like the little flowering plant - I’m trying not to get too attached though.

 

“Most of our troubles are due to our passionate desire for and attachment to things that we misapprehend as enduring entities.” ~Dalai Lama~

A Handbag?

A Handbag?

My boss was talking to a colleague about football (again), discussing a confrontation between two players, describing it as “Just handbags” Later I quizzed him about this…

 

Me: “What does it mean… ‘just handbags’?”

 

My boss: “Well, it means it wasn’t a proper fight. It was just a bit of shoving about. Sometimes they call it ‘handbags at dawn’.”

 

Me: “But why handbags? They don’t have handbags do they?”

 

My boss: “No they don’t have actual handbags. I dunno. It’s just like… Ooooh stop it or I’ll hit you with my handbag! You know, like an old woman.”

 

Me: “Oh I see. It’s a sexist comment then?”

 

My boss: “No. No it’s not sexist. It’s just like saying someone fights like a girl.”

 

Me: “A girl? – and that’s not sexist?”

 

My boss: “No it’s not. It just means like a child. You know. You’re supposed to be a man and you’re acting like a child. You know, you need to grow up.”

 

Me: “And fight properly?”

 

My boss: “Yes; and not fight like a big girl’s blouse.”

 

Me: “A big girl’s blouse? You’ve talked about an old woman and her handbag, a little girl and the blouse of a big girl. You’ve just about covered all stages of womanhood there. But you say it’s not sexist.”

 

My boss: “No. No it’s not. It just means they weren’t fighting properly.”

 

Me: “Like a good old hefty punch in the face?”

 

My boss: “Oh no! No, no - they mustn’t do that. They’d get sent off or even disciplined.”

 

Me: “I see. So a bit of handbags is ok?”

 

My boss: “Yes. A little bit of handbags would be ok.”

 

And I thought the offside rule was supposed to be complicated.

Phonetic Fanatic

Phonetic Fanatic

We are strongly encouraged to use the phonetic alphabet at work to ensure fast and clear telephone communication; but this only works if both parties are familiar with it…

 

Me: “Yes, I’ll give you the product code. Are you ready?”

 

Caller: “Yes.”

 

Me: “OK,”

 

Caller: “O... K...”

 

Me: “No, sorry, I was just saying ok. That’s not the code.”

 

Caller: “That’s not the code? What is the code?”

 

Me: “M for Mike.”

 

Caller: “Yes?”

 

Me: “Is your name Mike?”

 

Caller: “Yes.”

 

Me: “Oh. Well the code is M for Mike or Mother...”

 

Caller: “Mother?”

 

Me: “Yes the first letter of the code is M.”

 

Caller: “Oh, right. Yes. M. M. Yes. M for mother.”

 

Me: “The next letter is N for November”

 

Caller: “Yes, I’ve got M.”

 

Me: “No, N. N for”

 

Caller: “Oh. N. N… 4…”

 

Me: “Not N4 just N.”

 

Caller: “Just N?”

 

Me: “Yes, M.N. The next letter is… Q for Quebec.”

 

Caller: “How do you spell Quebec?”

 

Me: “Pardon?”

 

Caller: “How do you spell Quebec?”

 

Me: “Listen, let’s start again shall we? Can I just give you the product code?”

 

Caller: “Yes.”

 

Me: “Are you ready?”

 

Caller: “Yes.”

 

Me: “M… N… Q... 5… 7... 6... 0... W...”

 

Caller: “M. N. Q. 5. 7. 6. 0. W.”

 

Me: “Yes, that’s it.”

 

Caller: “Thank you very much for your help.”

 

Me: “That’s ok. Goodbye.”

 

Caller: “Goodbye.”

 

So much for speed and efficiency.

Halloween Shivers

Halloween Shivers

Halloween is almost upon us. It seems that it’s increasingly becoming an occasion geared towards children’s enjoyment – an occasion that’s dreaded by adults…

The other day I spoke to a teacher who has the unenviable task of supervising a large group of children for an overnight stay away on Halloween night.

One of the highlights is wearing fancy dress and drinking hot chocolate outside in the evening. She said that the children love it but that for her it was just cold and miserable.

Me: “What will you be going as?”

Teacher: “I’m borrowing my mother-in-law’s long silver and black dress because it’s warm.”

Me: “Just the dress, no other fancy dress type thing?”

Teacher: “No, I don’t think so, just the warm dress.”

Me: “But don’t you have to be a character? You can’t just dress up as your mother-in-law can you?”

Teacher: “I suppose I could get a witch’s hat from the supermarket.”

Me: “And what about the other teacher? What’s she going as?”

Teacher: “Oh… I think she’s going as something warm.”

It’s funny how your priorities change as you get older.

Questions Questions

Questions Questions

Being in an office where you can hear, but not see each other is not always a good thing - especially when on the phone to a voice-operated system…

 

Automated Voice: “At what time will the goods be ready for collection?”

 

Me: “TWELVE!”

 

My boss: “What?”

 

Me: “I’m arranging a collection.”

 

My boss: “Oh”

 

Automated Voice: “Are any of the goods hazardous?”

 

My boss: “Is it TNT?”

 

Me: “NO!”

 

My boss: “Who is it then?”

 

Me: “Yes it’s TNT.”

 

My boss: “Where’s it going to?”

 

Automated Voice: “How many parcels are there to collect?”

 

Me: “TWO!”

 

My boss: “Yes, where’s it going to?”

 

Me: “Australia.”

 

My boss: “Right, how many parcels did they pack it in?”

 

Automated Voice: “To the nearest kilogram, what is the total weight of the consignment?”

 

Me: “TWENTY SEVEN!”

 

My boss: “What! That’s ridiculous! 27? Are you sure?”

 

Automated Voice: “Have you prepared three copies of the commercial invoice?”

 

Me: “YES!”

 

My boss: “That’s going to cost a fortune!”

 

Automated Voice: “What is the total value of the goods?”

 

Me: “THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY TWO POUNDS FIFTY SEVEN PENCE!”

 

My boss: “What? No! That’s far too much! ”

 

Me: “No. I was just giving the value of the goods.”

 

My boss: “Oh. But still, it’s going to be too expensive. How much is the transport going to cost?”

 

Automated Voice: “I’m sorry. Please repeat the total value of the goods.”

 

Me: “THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY TWO POUNDS FIFTY SEVEN PENCE!”

 

My boss: “What! That’s nearly as much as the value of the order!”

 

Automated Voice: “Do you require additional insurance for this consignment?”

 

Me: “NO!”

 

My boss: “Yes it is!”

 

Automated Voice: “Thank you. Your collection is arranged. Do you want to access any other services with TNT?”

 

Me: “NO!”

 

My boss: “It is!”

 

Automated Voice: “Thank you for booking with TNT. Your call is complete.”

 

<I put the phone down.>

 

My boss: “Oh. Sorry, I didn’t realise you were still on the phone.”

 

As Lord Chesterfield wisely said: “Hear one side and you will be in the dark. Hear both and all will be clear.”