The Wine Connoisseur

The Wine Connoisseur

I dashed to the local supermarket to pick up some wine; a simple enough task you would think...

 

I noticed that they'd reintroduced the 5% discount if you buy 6 or more bottles. I generally just go for any red wine that is under £6 and preferably has already been heavily discounted which means that I supposedly get a superior taste on a budget.

 

I was just perusing these factors when I noticed, out of the corner of my eye, the imminent approach of Colin, the supermarket’s resident wine connoisseur. I tried to ignore him as he sidled up to me.

 

“This one is very nice” said Colin. I pretended that I had assumed he was engaging in a little self-talk.

 

“Have you tried this one?” he said.

 

There was no getting away with it now, surely no one would talk to themselves like that; I would have to engage with him:

 

“Oh, hello again Colin. Yes, you recommended that one to me last time, it was very nice.”

 

I tried my best to appear polite yet distracted and in a hurry.

 

“Yes the Riojas are very nice” he said, carefully stressing the ‘j’ as an ‘h’, taking a step towards me and now cradling a different variety and gently tapping the label.

 

“The Crianza…” he purred, adding extra emphasis to the soft ‘th’ sound for the ‘z’.

 

“The CrianTHa of course has been aged in oak barrels for a year before being bottled and…” delicately directing my attention to another bottle, “The Reserva…” he continued, pronouncing each ‘r’ with a soft yet strangely clicky inflection . “…the Rreserrva, is aged in oak barrels for eighteen months and then bottled for a year. The Rreserrva is my favourite, but I wouldn’t buy it at that price, I only get it when it’s on special offer and then I buy it by the case. Now… the Grrran Rreserrva…”

 

By this time I was starting to feel quite oppressed and agitated. I hurriedly placed three of the bottles that I had originally decided upon into the trolley along with two bottles of the CrianTHa.

 

I think Colin sensed that he was losing his audience and took another step towards me. “Yes, as I was saying, the Gran Reserva, well that’s a bit too oaky for me. You just need one more bottle now to get your 5% discount… This one is lovely… it’s ‘Taste How Different’”.

 

Taste How different! Taste How Different!!!! - said without even the slightest hint of a Mediterranean accent!

 

I took the bottle of ‘Taste How Different’, put it in the trolley and, in the chirpiest voice I could muster, said “That’s great Colin, thank you very much, bye then!” before swiftly heading for the check-out.

 

I could hear Colin’s diminishing voice cry out after me: “I haven’t actually tried that one… the ‘Taste How Different’…you’ll have to tell me all about it next time”.

 

Next time…. I think I might go to different supermarket, a less helpful one.